Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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