you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I just googled if crying burns calories
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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