Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
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The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
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Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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