dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
