omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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