Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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