Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
he shaved USA in his pubs
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
