just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
