i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
