What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
