she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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