saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
