I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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