just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
