God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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