He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
