I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
