I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
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