She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I FOUND THE LEGS
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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