please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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