I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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