Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
