Your favorite bartender is back from prision
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
