wat bout pragnant strippers??
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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