From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
