For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
