just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
