She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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