Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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