If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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