Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
