he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
