i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
