They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
