I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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