Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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