I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
