I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You were trust falling into bushes
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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