In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
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