I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
