Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
