just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
