He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
