How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
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