I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
