I'd wear matching sweaters with you
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
