Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
