I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
