Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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