I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Watching her eat just hurts me
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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