All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
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