Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
