Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
