i just wanna soil my oats bro
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
