Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
