woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I queefed so loud it echoed.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
