im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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