I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
