Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
