I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
