i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
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that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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