I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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